BONUS – Marriage advice
As much as we work on the meat and potatoes of investing and wealth creation and mindset we cannot forget about our better halves! Also if they don’t like what you are doing… life will not be fund and might lose half of it!
Check out this page with some tips on communicating these new ideas to your spouse.
More semi-useful info to be 1% better every-other everyday
- When investing with a spouse, it’s important to have a plan when managing finances and investing.
- Every couple is different,
- We discuss different strategies on how to talk finances with your significant other
The below tips are meant to print off (perhaps create flash cards) and actually implement the suggestions.
Stay tuned more to come!
Stay tuned more to come!
If you’re going through a divorce, you are closing a critical chapter of your life and simultaneously embarking on a new one which affects the entire family unit. Divorce can especially leave a lasting impact on children’s emotional well-being.
- It can evoke a range of emotions, including confusion, sadness, anger, and fear.
- It disrupts the familiar structure of their lives and can shake their sense of security.
- They may experience short-term behavioral changes, academic challenges, and difficulties forming trusting relationships.
Here’s what you can do:
By acknowledging your child(ren)’s feelings, providing stability, and fostering open communication, you can support your children through the healing process.
- Provide a stable and nurturing environment, offering consistent routines and schedules that provide a sense of stability.
- Encourage your child(ren) to express their emotions through healthy outlets like art, journaling, or therapy to promote healing.
- The way you navigate your own relationship post-divorce greatly influences your children’s well-being. Co-parenting effectively, minimizing conflict, and prioritizing the child’s best interests can help create a safe and supportive environment.
- Engaging in your own self-care and seeking professional guidance when needed are vital steps in ensuring your children’s emotional needs are met.
Remember, a child’s emotional resilience is nurtured through love, understanding, and consistency. By prioritizing your child(ren)’s needs, you can lay the foundation for a brighter future, helping them navigate the challenges of divorce with strength and resilience.
Two of the Four Horsemen—defensiveness and criticism—can commonly show up together in relationships.
If you or your partner gets defensive and starts deflecting perceived attacks during an argument, or you start to criticize or attack each other as a way to protect yourself, you may be experiencing the dance between defensiveness and criticism.
But how exactly do they show up?
Criticism expresses negative feelings or opinions about another person’s personality or character. Criticism often contains words like “you always” or “you never.”
Example of criticism: “You never help me around the house. Why are you so lazy? What’s wrong with you?”
Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. When a person feels unjustly accused, they look for excuses so that their partner will back off. One common form of defensiveness is the ‘innocent victim’ stance, where the defensive partner sends the message “why are you picking on me” or “nothing I do will please you.” Defensiveness also goes hand in hand with blame. The defensive partner may reverse blame in an attempt to make it the other partner’s fault.
These pesky horsemen can escalate conflict and even pave the way for the other, far deadlier, horsemen. Luckily, there are antidotes to each!
The antidote to criticism is the gentle start-up. Begin the conversation with “I feel,” leading into “I need,” and then respectfully ask to fulfill that need. There’s no blame or criticism, which prevents the discussion from escalating into an argument.
The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility for your role in the situation, even if only for part of the conflict. For example, “I should have called you when I was going to be late, I know it makes you worry.” From there, you can work towards a compromise and have a real dialogue with your partner. You become a team working through the problem together.
Do you feel disconnected from your partner? Does your partner ignore your needs? Do they brush off the things you care about? If so, your partner may be turning away from your bids for connection, depleting your Emotional Bank Account.
When you turn toward your partner’s bids for connection, you are making a deposit in your Emotional Bank Account, and when you turn away from your partner, you make a withdrawal. Like a real bank account, you want to avoid a zero or negative balance.
For example, if John was watching TV and Taylor said, “I’d love to go to the park and have a picnic,” John could do one of two things: he could continue watching TV, which would indicate a withdrawal from the Emotional Bank Account by turning away from Taylor, or he could turn off the TV and respond with something like, “What’s the weather like today? Let’s do it,” which would indicate a deposit into the Emotional Bank Account by turning towards Taylor.
When the Emotional Bank Account is negative, partners tend to question each other’s intentions and feel disconnected and lonely. When the Emotional Bank Account is positive, partners tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt during conflict and maintain a positive perspective.
What can you do to make a deposit in your Emotional Bank Account today?
Here are some fresh date ideas for the spring season:
- Start a class together to learn a new skill or language
- Try a new hobby together—crafting, bowling, gardening, LARPing?
- Play tourist in your hometown for a day
- Go camping, hiking, or explore a local natural destination together
- Play a board game
- Go to the movie theater
- Have a spa night or go get a couples spa treatment
- Attend a concert, musical, comedy show, or play
- Bake a sweet treat together
- Go to the farmer’s market
- Take dancing lessons
- Try something adventurous like skydiving or bungee jumping
- Take a leisurely stroll and go window shopping
- Look through old photos together and reminisce
- Start a two-person book club
- Hit up the local arcade
- Visit an art gallery
- Get conversation flowing with the Gottman Card deck app
- Go get ice cream
- Cook a meal at home, then sit down to enjoy it together—no distractions
- Volunteer in your community
- Have a spring picnic
Responding positively to bids can bring you and your partner closer, and it’s scientifically proven that couples who respond to each other’s bids in a positive way are more likely to stay together.
In addition to verbal bids like “want to go for a walk?” or “look at that rain cloud!”, there are a series of different types of nonverbal bids that Dr. Gottman has outlined:
Affectionate touching, such as a handshake, a pat, a squeeze, a kiss, a hug, or a back or shoulder rub.
Facial expressions, such as a smile, blowing a kiss, rolling your eyes, or sticking out your tongue.
Playful touching, such as tickling, bopping, wrestling, dancing, or a gentle bump or shove.
Affiliating gestures, such as opening a door, offering a place to sit, handing over a utensil, or pointing to a shared activity or interest.
Vocalizing, such as laughing, chuckling, grunting, sighing, or groaning in a way that invites interaction or interest.
Are there ways you can pay more attention to your partner’s bids for connection?
Responding positively (also known as “turning towards”) your partner’s bid for connection counts as making a deposit in your Emotional Bank Account.
According to science, couples who are in happy relationships maintain a ratio of positive to negative interactions of 5:1, even during conflict. To keep the balance, you and your partner must have five positive interactions to every negative one.
A positive interaction can be subtle. Looking your partner in the eye, showing interest in what they say, and asking questions that show you care. Other ways include showing affection—a hug, a kiss, a hand on the shoulder—and offering a compliment.
Each time you turn toward your partner and engage in positive interactions, you are funding what is called your Emotional Bank Account.
In order to keep your Emotional Bank Account flourishing, you need to make many more deposits than you do withdrawals.
Imagine that a negative interaction is equal to withdrawing a nickel, but a positive interaction (a deposit) is only worth a penny. This means that in order to keep your Emotional Bank Account in the black, you have to put a lot more pennies in to balance out the negative withdrawals.As you make more and more deposits into your Emotional Bank Account, you work to build up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get tough.
There are so many small changes you can make this year to refocus and renew your relationship.
Today’s small change: pay attention.
Successful couples are mindful of bids for connection and pay attention to them. These bids might be a look, a question, or an affectionate stroke on the cheek, anything that says, “Hey, I want to be connected with you.”
Pay attention to your partner more than you pay attention to your phone & TV. Less screen time, more face time.
Pay attention to a look, a sigh, or a comment. Most bids happen in simple, mundane ways, and if you’re not receptive, you’ll miss them.
Pay attention for the sake of passion in your relationship. Couples who notice more moments of connection report more feelings of love and contentment.
relationship, share aspects that are working well, and address areas of conflict in a productive way.
These regular discussions can help you both feel heard, understood, and appreciated, while preventing issues from building up and giving you space and time to practice problem-solving together.
The goal of this conversation is to get on the same page and increase the feeling of being each other’s teammate.
This meeting has three vital sections:
1. Warm-up. Start the conversation with appreciation for each other and celebrations of what’s going well. This sets the tone for the rest of the conversation.
2. Understanding. Before you come up with solutions, you have to understand each point of view and agree on what problem you’re solving together. Take turns as Speaker and Listener. Resist the urge to persuade your partner of your viewpoint, as it is generally counterproductive.
3. Compromise. Now that you understand your partner’s perspective, you can manage the problem together. If you bring a perpetual problem to the meeting, try to find a temporary compromise and agree to revisit it later.
Important note: Take breaks if you find that you and/or your partner are becoming flooded. A positive (win-win) outcome is much more likely if partners aren’t overwhelmed in the process.
You’re always bickering.
Your partner only points out your mistakes.
You can’t seem to catch a break.
Instead of expressing fondness and respect, you might find that you’ve ended up blaming each other for your problems, showing contempt, and constantly criticizing each other.
In Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Dr. John Gottman writes, “With a little effort and empathy, you can replace thoughtless complaints and criticism with thoughtful remarks.”
Appreciation is a cornerstone for building a culture of respect in your relationship. Here are four ways to show appreciation to your partner:
1. Tell your partner what you appreciate about them. This might include their personality or actions. Be sure that your words are specific and detailed. For example, you can say, “I love the way you care for our family. You’re so thoughtful.”
2. Show appreciation by doing Small Things Often. Make the most of small intentional moments to respond to your partner’s bid for attention. Examples of responding to bids include a facial expression such as a smile or blowing a kiss, or expressing positive feelings like “I’m so happy to see you.”
3. Make a habit of acknowledging and validating your partner’s feelings this week. Tune in to what they’re saying when they have a problem or feel upset. Validate their feelings by saying something like “That must really feel bad …” and “I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”
4. Start an appreciation ritual by sharing two things you appreciate about your partner each day before you go to bed. The main objective of this ritual is to avoid negativity and to focus on what you love about each other.
A ritual of connection is a method of ‘turning towards’ each other that is reliable and can be counted on. |
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After time apart, what do you do when you come back together during the day? Make an intention to greet each other with a kiss, kind words, or a short conversation. |
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Dr. John Gottman has found that two minutes of undistracted communication can be more important than spending a whole unfocused week together as a couple. |
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Tell your partner what you love about them, and why. It’s important to find ways to genuinely communicate affection and appreciation toward your partner. Not only does this make your partner feel valued, but it also enables you to see the positive traits of your partner, instead of focusing on the negative. |
Soften Those Start-ups
“I can’t believe you didn’t mow the lawn before our friends arrived. You always do this. Why are you so lazy?”
“I felt embarrassed that the lawn wasn’t mowed before our friends visited. Could we talk about how to prepare before guests visit in the future?”
Can you spot the key differences between these two conversation start-ups?
If you start an argument harshly, you will end up with at least as much tension as you began with, if not more.
In comparison, using a softened start-up is crucial to resolving conflict before it begins. It’s a proven way to bring up a legitimate disagreement, concern, issue, complaint, or need without blaming your partner or judging their character.
Next time you think approaching your partner will start conflict, consider the way you start the conversation. It can make a huge difference.
After years in a relationship, it can be easy to fall into comfortable routines and habits, and sometimes that can mean a lack of exciting new experiences or dedicated time together.
You should never stop dating your partner—it’s important to maintain a happy connection and keep the spark alive. Here’s why:
Regularly dating your partner allows you to stay close and knowledgeable about each other’s lives.
It reminds you why you love your partner! You can never stop learning about one another, and dating your partner allows you to share more about your family histories, spiritual beliefs, financial practices, and sexual preferences.
Doing little things for your partner and surprising them with new experiences makes your partner feel loved and appreciated.
Why wouldn’t you want to make your partner feel loved? Regularly dating your partner at every stage of your relationship can lead to more intimacy and romance!
Spending intentional time together leads to better communication and gives you something to talk to your partner about.
Ever feel like you sit in silence because there’s nothing left to talk about in your relationship? Many couples experience this, but regularly dating your partner and asking open-ended questions can lead to deeper communication.
So, when’s your next date night?
Happily ever after is not by chance. It’s by choice.
Whether you’re newlyweds, or have been married for forty years, there is immense value in creating and continuing practices that support the ongoing health and connection of your relationship.
Healthy relationships require intentional effort, and to pursue one another on a continual basis. Here are a few ways you can pursue your partner this week:
- Show each other appreciation every day
- Do little things for one another
- Give your partner a compliment
- Plan a date night and be fully present on your date
- Initiate a six second kiss and see where it leads
It doesn’t matter how old you are, or how long you’ve been together. It always feels good to have your partner pursue you.
In what ways can you pursue your partner on a daily basis?
In what ways can you choose your partner every morning when you wake up?
In what ways can you date your partner, so that years down the road, you’re still being playful and having fun?
1. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Your word is important, so it is important to match actions with words. This is not to say that you are not allowed to change your mind about something. Just be sure to communicate this to your partner.
2. Communicate your intentions clearly. Your partner is not a mindreader, so state your intentions and state them often. Communicating your intentions keeps your partner informed of what you are thinking so they do not have to guess, make assumptions, or get caught off guard.
3. Admit your mistakes. Reliability and accountability are important in all relationships. Building trust within a relationship is being accountable, asking how you can make it better, and making a commitment that you will not make that particular mistake again (or at least making a plan to limit that particular mistake).
4. Always tell the truth. When you are dishonest about small things, it makes it hard for others to trust you when it comes to bigger issues.
Independence
Putting another person’s needs before your own and learning to compromise in order to promote the health and longevity of a relationship is going to feel foreign to someone who has held an independent mindset for most of their life. With that said, if intimate connection is something you desire, it will be well worth the mindset shift from “me” to “we”.
Research shows the benefits of being in a committed relationship with another person. Dr. John Gottman has noted that finding a mate and nourishing a healthy bond over a lifespan has concrete health benefits and positive emotional payoffs. He reports that “people live longer if they are in marital relationships, particularly if they are in good, satisfying relationships.”
Money is one of the top five issues that cause conflict in relationships.
Work and the pursuit of money can be the “third party” in a relationship, demanding your time and energy. Balancing your relationship and your work is fundamental to the success of your partnership.
Ask these open-ended questions to cultivate gratitude for what you have, and the contribution you both make to the relationship.
- What do you need to feel safe talking about how you spend money or how you make money?
- What are your hopes and dreams about money?
- What can we each contribute to the relationship beyond money?
- Discuss what you have that you are grateful for.
One of the greatest predictors of a relationship’s failure is a couple’s inability to manage conflict in a healthy manner and work through it knowing the source of their gridlock. |
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The ultimate goal in the aftermath of a fight is to have dialogue about the underlying issues that started it. Miscommunication can cause further unnecessary conflict. Try these steps after your next conflict conversation: |
Rough patches are inevitable in any relationship, and they can be caused by any number of things. One or both of you may be going through a hard time, you might be arguing constantly, or you may have simply drifted apart.
There is no guilt or shame involved with hitting a rough patch. It can be the jolt your relationship needs to come out stronger and more valued on the other side.
Here’s what you can do during a rough patch to reconnect with your partner:
1. Own your part
Recognize your role in how the two of you got to this place in your relationship. Are there things you can work on?
2. Spend some quality time together
When was the last time you two went on a date or had sex that wasn’t functional? Great relationships need tending.
3. Reframe the situation
Reframe this rocky time as a wake-up call. This lets you both know that you need to do a reset to get the relationship back on track.
4. Remember the good times
Feeling positive about the person you are in a relationship with can help restore genuine positive energy that leads to positive interactions.
5. Ask for what you need
Your partner can’t read your mind. It might be time to learn how to ask for your unmet needs in a positive way.
When one partner begins stonewalling during a conflict conversation, usually they are physiologically flooded. Once that person becomes flooded, it is impossible to continue discussing the issue at hand in a rational and respectful way. |
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First, identify flooding
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The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility for your role in the situation, even if only for part of the conflict. |
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By taking responsibility for conflict, you can prevent the conflict from escalating. Having acknowledged that you have some role in the problem, you are accepting responsibility for a part of it. From here, you can work towards a compromise and have a real dialogue with your partner. You become a team working through the problem together. |
Start creating and strengthening your Love Maps today. Try to answer the following questions about each other and find out how much you know about your partner’s world.
- What was your partner wearing when you first met?
- Name one of your partner’s hobbies.
- What stresses your partner right now?
- Name your partner’s two closest friends.
- Describe in detail what your partner did today or yesterday.
- What is your partner’s fondest unrealized dream?
- What is one of your partner’s greatest fears or disaster scenarios?
- What is my favorite way to spend an evening?
- What is one of your partner’s favorite ways to be soothed?
- Name a person your partner dislikes.
- What is your partner’s ideal job?
- What medical problems does your partner worry about?
Repairing after arguments with your partner might involve making promises to adjust your behavior in the future. You are agreeing to a positive change in your relationship.
This can look like any of the following:
“From here on out, I will listen to you more.”
“I can work on my tone in future conversations.”
“Next time we have an argument, I will take a break when I see you’re flooded.”
“No more phones at the table during dinner. I want to be more present when we’re together.”
Promises like these, especially during conflict, allow you to take responsibility for your behavior and show your partner that you consider them and their feelings.
What promises have you made to your partner in the past? Is there an opportunity to renew them this year? Are there new promises you can make that will positively impact your relationship?
Did you know that 69% of relationship problems never get resolved and are perpetual problems based on personality differences between partners? If you argue with your partner over and over about the same issues, your “same old conflict” is likely a result of perpetual problems in your relationship.
All couples have perpetual problems. Understanding the different types of problems can make a big difference in your conflict conversations.
Solvable problems are typically situational. The conflict is simply about a topic, and there may not be a deeper meaning behind each partner’s position. A solution can be found and maintained.
Example: “I don’t want to go hiking with you this weekend.”
Perpetual problems are problems that center on either fundamental differences in your personalities or lifestyle needs. Unlike a solvable problem, these are the problems that a couple will return to over and over and over again.
Example: “I don’t like hiking and don’t want to try it.”
Gridlocked perpetual problems are perpetual problems that have been mishandled and have essentially transformed into something “uncomfortable.” When a couple tries to discuss a gridlocked issue, it can feel like they are “spinning their wheels” and getting nowhere. The nature of gridlock is that hidden agendas underlie the issue.
Example: “I will never go hiking.”
So what do you do about perpetual problems? What matters is not solving perpetual problems, but rather establishing healthy dialogue about them as a couple. When communication stops, the conflict becomes gridlocked. This can lead to emotional disengagement and eventually the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness.
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Open up opportunities for deeper connection by asking meaningful, open-ended questions. And don’t forget to listen to understand when your partner answers.
Ways to start your next question:
How did you…
In what ways…
Tell me about…
What’s it like…
Intimate relationships work better when both partners have and accept influence.
What accepting influence is:
- Being open to the ideas and opinions of your partner.
- Acknowledging that your partner has a valid point of view.
- Implicitly saying, “You are important, and your opinions matter to me even if I don’t agree with you.”
What accepting influence is not:
- Complying or going along with your partner in everything.
- Forgoing your own opinions, wants, and beliefs in favor of your partner’s.
- Agreeing with everything your partner says: “Yes, dear, everything is okay” or “Whatever you want.”
So, how can you work on accepting influence? Listen with curiosity, stay open and seek to understand, and look for ways to say yes, even if that yes is a simple acknowledgment of your partner’s point of view.
1. Honesty: Does your partner tell the truth to you and to others?
2. Transparency: Does your partner invite you to meet family, friends, colleagues? Do they confide in you about major stressors, ambitions, and goals?
3. Accountability: Is there proof that your partner keeps their promises?
4. Ethical Actions: Does your partner display just and fair conduct with consistency?
5. Proof of Alliance: Does your partner have your back? Are they on your team?
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Meta-emotions are how you feel about your feelings. Understanding meta-emotions can make a difference in your ability to form strong, healthy bonds with others.
Every person has an emotional history that stems from their upbringing. Some grow up in a home where feelings are encouraged and validated, where it’s okay to cry and be sad, and where it’s okay to be angry. Others grow up in a home where feelings are discouraged. These children are told “don’t be sad” or “you’ll get over it” or “boys don’t cry.” This emotional climate makes it difficult for people to connect with their own emotions as adults and makes it difficult to validate emotions in others.
A meta-emotion mismatch between partners can create major problems in the relationship.
So how can you overcome this?
- Work to understand your own emotional history and your partner’s emotional history.
- Attune to your partner by expressing acceptance and support.
- Deepen your understanding of your partner by having intimate conversations where you both put feelings into words, ask open-ended questions, and express compassion and empathy.
“Bids” are verbal or non-verbal attempts a person makes to connect with their partner.
Dr. John Gottman refers to bids as “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.” Bids can be small or big, spoken or unspoken. They might take the form of an expression, question, or physical outreach. They can be funny, serious, or sexual in nature.
There are three ways to respond to a bid:
- Turning towards (acknowledging the bid)
- Turning away (ignoring or missing the bid)
- Turning against (rejecting the bid in an argumentative or belligerent way)
Healthy couples constantly make and accept (or turn towards) bids to connect. When bids are ignored or rejected, partners are more inclined to criticize each other and become frustrated.
A successful partnership is about more than raising kids, paying bills, and getting chores done. It’s more than date nights, weekend getaways, and making love. A successful relationship cannot thrive without building a deep connection rich in rituals and shared meaning.
Dr. John Gottman suggests that couples create shared meaning through the use of rituals, roles, goals, and symbols. Throughout your life together, it will be important to establish these things as a way to give purpose and depth to your relationship.
Here are a few ways to enrich your relationship by creating an inner life together—a culture rich with symbols and rituals:
1. Create daily or weekly rituals of connection with your partner. How do you interact first thing in the morning or before you go to bed? How do you greet each other? Do you go on regular dates? Do you make time for meals, hobbies, and play? Examine your current rituals and brainstorm how you can develop additional ones.
2. Explore goals and symbols together. What does “money” mean to you? What does “home” mean? How about “intimacy”? Each of these words is a symbol for a broader idea. Explore what kind of goals you have around these ideas.
3. Share a common dream or vision with your partner. Everyone has dreams and hopes for their future. With a lifelong partner, you can share and co-create those dreams with them, fostering closeness and a shared vision for your life together.
You’re in the middle of an argument with your partner, and one (or both) of you feel overwhelmed. You are probably in a higher state of arousal: your heart speeds up, blood flow to your organs slows down, and adrenaline starts to pump. You are in “fight or flight” mode. Communication and problem-solving become more challenging when in this state.
This is when taking a break during conflict can be helpful, but what should this break look like? What’s the most effective way to pause the conversation?
It’s important that you and your partner practice noticing the ways your physiology shapes the way you communicate. Learning to self-soothe opens the door to empathy, positivity, and creativity.
So, your partner had a hard day. They come home from work or school and plop down on the couch. They proceed to talk about the challenges of their day or a stressful situation they experienced. You do your best to listen and give advice, but they end up snapping at you. What happened?
Everyone needs to vent, and you want your significant other to lend an ear—nothing more. Other times, you want to hear opinions and advice from your partner.
So what can you do to support your partner when they want to vent? Here are three techniques you can bring to your conversations:
- Ask the question, “Do you need me to just listen, or do you want me to help you brainstorm what to do next?” This powerful clarifying question can set the tone for the entire conversation and make your partner feel supported.
- Practice stress-reducing conversation techniques. Listen to understand, validate your partner’s emotions, and express support and empathy.
- Ask open-ended questions. This is a good strategy if your partner tends to bottle up their emotions. Ask them how their day went and if they’d like to talk about it, but be sure to respect their wishes if they aren’t in the talking mood.
You’re in the middle of an argument with your partner, and all of the sudden they say, “I didn’t realize that’s how you felt about ____.”
Your partner just attempted a repair. What do you say back to them? Does this statement lead you to resolve the problem?
Repair attempts in the midst of conflict conversations can be difficult to recognize.
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“I can’t believe you didn’t mow the lawn before my parents arrived. You always do this. Why are you so lazy?”
“I felt embarrassed that the lawn wasn’t mowed before my parents visited. Could we talk about how to prepare before guests visit in the future?”
Can you spot the key differences between these two conversation start-ups?
If you start an argument harshly, you will end up with at least as much tension as you began with, if not more.
In comparison, using a softened start-up is crucial to resolving conflict before it begins. It’s a proven way to bring up a legitimate disagreement, concern, issue, complaint, or need without blaming your partner or judging their character.
Learn how to use softened start-ups in the Gottman Relationship Coach Bundle, All About Conflict. This Coach combines two of our most popular products around conflict: Dealing With Conflict and What to do After a Fight . This program, designed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, features videos, exercises, and techniques to help you and your partner learn strategies to approach conflict in a healthy way and utilize the transformative power of repair.
You didn’t load the dishwasher again? Ugh, you’re so lazy.
You are so busy with work, you don’t care about anything else. You can’t do anything right!
You know how busy I am, I can’t watch the kids 24/7! Where were you all day?
Would you say these statements to your partner?
In his 40+ years of research, Dr. John Gottman identified specific negative communication patterns that reliably predict divorce. He named them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Fortunately, each horseman has a proven positive behavior that will counteract negativity, which Dr. Gottman terms “antidotes”.
Being able to identify the Four Horsemen in your conflict discussions is a necessary first step to eliminating them and replacing them with their antidotes of healthy, productive communication patterns.
Don’t do this
Instead do this
Ever said “you’re making me mad!” in an argument?
Take a moment to reflect. Was it your partner who was making you mad, or is being mad actually your feeling that you need to take responsibility for?
According to Dr. Julie Gottman, “being passionate, being intense, expressing anger, and so on is fine depending on how you voice it. So if you’re expressing anger with an ‘I’ statement that describes how you feel, as opposed to pointing a finger at your partner and describing them as flawed or to blame, that’s very different.”
Even if it’s not your proudest moment, owning your anger by saying, “I’m mad!” is ok, rather than saying, “you’re making me mad!”
Let Drs. John and Julie Gottman use their 40 years of relationship research to help you and your partner learn how to express emotions and approach conflict in a productive way. The Gottman Relationship Coach, Dealing with Conflict, will provide you and your partner with the essential tools needed to communicate effectively and repair after experiencing anger.
You may be mad, and that’s fine, but your partner isn’t making you feel that way. It’s okay to feel angry, as long as you acknowledge and own that it’s your feeling.
Do you feel disconnected from your partner? Does your partner ignore your needs? Do they brush off the things you care about? If so, your partner may be turning away from your bids for connection, depleting your Emotional Bank Account.
When you turn toward your partner’s bids for connection, you are making a deposit in your partner’s Emotional Bank Account, and when you turn away from your partner, you make a withdrawal. Like a real bank account, you want to avoid a zero or negative balance.
For example, if John was watching TV and Taylor said, “I’d love to go to the park and have a picnic,” John could do one of two things: he could continue watching TV, which would indicate a withdrawal from the Emotional Bank Account by turning away from Taylor, or he could turn off the TV and respond with something like, “What’s the weather like today? Let’s do it,” which would indicate a deposit into the Emotional Bank Account by turning towards Taylor.
When the Emotional Bank Account is negative, partners tend to question each other’s intentions and feel disconnected and lonely. When the Emotional Bank Account is positive, partners tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt during conflict and maintain a positive perspective.
Learn more about the Emotional Bank Account, bids for connection, and turning towards in The Gottman Relationship Coach, Feeling Seen and Heard. This program, designed and presented by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, includes informative videos, exercises, and techniques that will help you communicate your needs, improve your listening skills, and invest in your relationship.
What can you do to make a deposit in your Emotional Bank Account today?
What’s your dream for your relationship? Where do you see yourselves in five years? Or 10?
Envisioning your life together isn’t something that you do one time. No matter how long you’ve been together, you can also share new hopes and dreams about your future.
Find time today to sit down with your partner when you don’t have too many distractions. Ask them to imagine themselves in the year 2025. What are they doing? Where do you both live? What do they hope to have accomplished?
Even if you have different perspectives of that dream, look to find commonalities. Where do your dreams sound similar? Is there an opportunity to accept influence and aim for new goals?
Have you touched your partner today?
In “The Science of Trust,” Dr. John Gottman cites several research studies that show touch is an essential part of emotional connection.
It’s more than just sex (although that counts too!). You can massage, cuddle, hold hands, and practice other forms of intimate affection. Even a light stroke on the nape of the neck lets your partner know that you are there, you see them, and you desire to be close to them.
How do you like to be touched? Are there times of the day when you need it the most? Talk to your partner about your touch preferences and ask them for the same. Commit to showing each other physical affection and using the power of touch to strengthen your bond.
Just like in platonic relationships, building a strong friendship requires intentional steps towards knowing each other. Here are a few ways to begin.
- Try new activities together
- Ask open-ended questions
- Listen to each other’s stories
- Support your partner
You and your partner are like your own team. You’ve got each other’s backs, and your friendship has the power to make your love last a lifetime.
When it comes to having intimate conversions, there are three skills and one rule.
The rule is understanding must precede advice. Drs. John and Julie Gottman tell couples that these talks between lovers are not meant to problem-solve. Premature problem solving tends to shut people down. Advice should only begin when both people feel understood.
Skill #1: Putting Your Feelings into Words
In intimate conversations, finding the right words, phrases, images, or metaphors make talking about feelings much deeper.
Skill #2: Asking Open-Ended Questions
Help your partner explore their feelings by asking questions that require more than a “yes” or “no” answer. Consider: “How did that make you feel?” or “Tell me more about that.”
Skill #3: Expressing Empathy
You can show empathy by validating your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and needs. It means you understand where they’re coming from on a particular topic. Empathy looks like making genuine statements like, “I can see how you felt that way.”
Many people enjoy being in a relationship for companionship and intimacy. You have someone with whom you can share your inner world.
But what happens when you’re in a relationship but still feel sad and lonely? Perhaps your partner feels distant even in the same room. When you talk, you don’t feel seen nor heard.
A myriad of reasons exists for unhappiness in couples (e.g., the presence of the Four Horsemen). One important factor many have in common, according to Dr. John Gottman, is that lonely people in relationships are not attuned to each other. They’re talking at one another— blaming and finger-pointing—rather than turning toward, showing empathy, and making understanding the goal.
In “The Science of Trust,” Dr. John Gottman tells couples that emotional attunement “is basically the skill they will need to create a relationship that really works for them.”
Are you emotionally attuned? Do you feel seen and heard in your relationship? Read more in the links below. Also, check out the latest from The Gottman Relationship Coach. Feeling Seen and Heard is a new set of exercises, advice, and videos from the Gottmans explaining what makes a good listener and how to share your truth in a way your partner can understand.
The #1 relationship killer is turning against each other’s bids for emotional connection. “Turning against” happens when your partner reaches out to you and you reject them. Whether intentional or not, it damages the very fabric of your partnership.
Imagine your partner asks for a date night. Here are the types of harmful responses that you never want to say:
- Contemptuous response. Hurtful disrespecting comments such as insults (e.g., “Is that all you ever want?”)
- Belligerent response. Provocative or combative comebacks (e.g., “Are you saying I’m not there for you? Yeesh, what more do you want from me?”)
- Contradictory response. Less hostile than a belligerent response, but it still blocks the bidder’s attempt to connect (e.g., “Don’t we see each other enough already?”)
- Domineering response. Attempts to control the other person (e.g., “We don’t need another date night. We’re fine.”)
- Critical response. A broad-based attack on the bidder’s character (e.g., “Again with the date night! You’re such a nag.”)
The build-up of such responses creates a deep divide between you two. The more of these you and your partner experience, the more likely they are to destroy your partnership entirely. Avoid these relationship killers at all cost!
When you wake up in the morning, what are the first words you say to your partner?
How you start your day in a relationship is important. If you begin with criticism (imagine a sarcastic “Oh, look who decided to finally get out of bed?”) or stonewalling (such as, still not speaking to each other after last night’s fight), you set a strong negative tone—not to mention inviting the Four Horsemen to breakfast!
Even addressing responsibilities first thing in the morning (“Hi, you need to walk the dog, make the kids’ lunches, and put gas in the car”) puts a strain on your connection.
Consider beginning your morning with fondness and admiration. When you wake up, greet your lover with a simple “Good morning, sweetheart.” Ask how they slept. If you’re up before them, prepare their favorite morning beverage or bring them a breakfast treat if you have time. Whether it’s a snuggle in bed or a kiss before you go to work, these morning greetings can make all the difference.
It’s understandable if this is difficult because your partner works night shifts or you have dramatically different schedules. It’s not about the timing as it is about being intentional about acknowledging each other and taking a crucial moment to express your love.
What can you do to greet your partner with fondness and admiration in the morning?
How you end your day in a relationship can be just as important as how it begins. As tempting as it is to mutter “good night” and roll over to your side, you don’t want to miss this golden opportunity to be intimate with your partner.
Every day you need a stress-reducing conversation with your partner where you both get to talk about stressors outside of your relationship. Making this part of your bedtime routine.
Asking “how was your day” is a good start, but more specific open-ended questions invite your partner to share in detail. For example, say, “Tell me about a moment today when you felt proud of yourself” or “Did you feel anxious or upset at any point today? What was going on?” You can also get even more specific. Ask “You had that big project at work today. How did that go?” or “I heard you on the phone earlier and you sounded tense. What happened?”
Remember, this isn’t a time to problem-solve unless your partner asks you to. Mostly this is when you listen to them with your undivided attention. No phones. No television. No one else around. You have time, space, and privacy to have an intimate conversation.
Try it out tonight. Before you go to bed, turn toward your partner with a listening ear. It’s just one of many ways to build intimacy between you.
“Did your day start off on the wrong foot? It can seem like everything is going downhill from here. Well, with the concept of “repair and restart,” the whole day doesn’t need to be ruined.
Give yourself permission to ask for a “do-over.”
It can be an immediate repair: “I’m sorry. That came out wrong. Can I start again?”
Or the reset can happen later on: “I feel bad about how crabby I was this morning. Can we have a stress-reducing conversation tonight?”
Repair with self-compassion and do something to reset the energy of the day. Listen to music, get up and dance, go for a walk, take a break to meditate—whatever works for you.
It’s never too late to salvage your day and get things back on track.
“So, how did you two meet?”
In his research, Dr. John Gottman found that how you tell this story and all the stories about your relationship history (more specifically called “the story of us”) says a lot about you as a couple.
In a healthy relationship, your “story of us” includes all the good stuff like humor, fondness, admiration, and a sense of togetherness.
For example, when you recall your first date, do you complain about your partner letting the car run out of gas so you had to walk or do you emphasize that lovely chat you had on that walk? Do you mostly talk about how tough the early years were for you or do you remember how you both learned how to work as a team to solve problems?
How negatively or positively you view your history can tell if you’re in this together or it’s all about an individual. Your story can be full of negativity and everything your partner does wrong or it’s the epic tale of two people joining forces to overcome obstacles as a couple. As Dr. John Gottman asks, “Is it I, me, mine, or is it us, our, we?”
What does it feel like when you’re flooded? We know the signs of DPA (Diffuse Physiological Arousal) on paper, but feeling them in your own body is something else entirely. Most people don’t know the moment their heart rate exceeds 99 BPM.
But you might be more familiar with what it feels like to stonewall or what it feels like when your partner is stonewalling.
Stonewalling is the last of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and its presence can signal that the relationship is in trouble. It is what happens when one partner’s flooding causes them to withdraw from interaction (verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically).
As you become increasingly overwhelmed, your body is building that wall, stone by stone. Often, it’s a protective measure but it plays as a power move. It stops dialogue dead in its tracks.
Thankfully, there’s help! The antidote to stonewalling is to practice self-soothing. When you feel your body starting to build the wall, that’s the time to pause. Walk away (with a definite, verbalized plan to return) and give yourself a breather. Perhaps you need a code word or signal to ask your partner for a break.
Pay attention to the whole system. What are your thought patterns like when you’re overwhelmed? What are the physical sensations? What emotions lead to shutting down?
The concept of “active listening” can be challenging to apply, especially in conflict or a tense conversation. It’s not mindlessly saying “mmhm” or “oh wow,” and it’s not chiming in, interrupting, or talking over.
Active listening is all about engaging with your partner, and it’s a skill built over time. Here are some quick tips for better listening.
DO:
- Tune in to what the other person is saying. Stay curious.
- Make understanding a goal. Confirm what you heard with the speaker to see if you have it right.
- Repair if you interrupt, get distracted, become defensive, or misunderstand.
- Ask clarifying questions.
- Inhabit the role of a passenger on the speaker’s train of thought. Follow their journey, at their pace.
- Be aware of how much time you spend talking in the conversation.
DON’T:
- Spend your time planning what you are going to say next/waiting for your turn to speak.
- Try to “fix” things or offer unsolicited advice.
- Split your focus between the speaker and your phone or something else. Multitasking is a fallacy.
- Try to finish or anticipate what the speaker is saying.
- Take what the other person is saying so personally that you become defensive and unable to hear their side.
- Completely shut down your own reaction to what the other person is saying. Your feelings and reactions are valid and it’s good to pay attention to what comes up for you.
Next time you have a conversation with your partner, or even a friend, family member, or colleague, think about how much time you spend talking/sharing and how much time you spend listening? What might you implement to bring more balance to that?
How to Have Difficult Conversations
If you need to have a difficult conversation with a loved one or process conflict in your relationship, preparation is the best way to make sure it goes as well as possible.
Here are questions to ask yourself before you get into difficult conversations:
Am I ready to have this conversation? According to Dr. Julie Gottman, “processing” means talking about the specific conflict or incident without getting mired in the emotionality of it again.
Am I calm enough to have this conversation? Are you able to differentiate between your own emotions and the events that occurred?
Am I willing to seek to understand the experiences of this event outside of my own?
Am I willing to speak from my experience without trying to persuade?
Am I willing to ATTUNE to the feelings of others and what the event meant to them?
Can I be fully present for this conversation (am I in a space with limited distractions)?
Most of the time, the way a discussion starts determines the way it will end. Taking a pause to prepare yourself before the conversation begins will allow you to go into it with mindful intention. Come ready.
Make a list of three things you truly admire about your partner.
The list might include qualities they’ve had for as long as you’ve known them (such as being a great listener or how they make you laugh), something they display in small moments (such as how well they sing or remember special occasions), or something they did in the last 24 hours (such as doing the dishes last night or making you coffee in this morning).
Does your partner do anything that inspires you or makes you go “Whoa! You’re amazing”?
Then, make a list and share it with them.
If you want to go the extra mile, make a new list every day for a week and leave it in notes around the home. See how it influences your relationship.
Do you assume the best in your partner? What assumptions do you make when they do something that happens to ruffle your feathers?
In healthy relationships, partners are not out to “get” each other. However, sometimes, if negative sentiment is starting to creep in, their actions can be interpreted that way.
For example, you said you were going to do the dishes, but time got away from you and your partner ended up doing them instead. Within the context of assuming negativity, they might think you deliberately “forgot” so they would have to do them. You might think that their doing the dishes was a way of communicating, “I’m always cleaning up after you,” and feel defensive.
Or, you could treat each other with care. In that instance, your partner might think, “They’re really busy. I’m sure they just forgot.” Seeing that they did the dishes out of kindness, you might thank them.
Dr. John Gottman says, “Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.” Accordingly, you and your partner can treat each other with extra generosity by assuming positive intent.
What would happen if you viewed your partner as an ally rather than an adversary?
Attunement in adult relationships is the desire and ability to understand and respect your partner’s inner world.
Attunement builds (and can rebuild) trust. Consider ATTUNE as an acronym:
Awareness
Turning toward
Tolerance
Understanding
Non-defensive listening
Empathy
How can you practice attunement to build a greater understanding and respect for your partner’s inner world? Every individual is a complex and unique galaxy unto themselves. You could know someone a lifetime and only be attuned to one small piece of their inner world.
What do you assume you know about your partner that you might be wrong about? What deserves more exploration? What does your partner assume about you that might need clarification?
If you’ve been together a long time, it’s easy to be on “autopilot.” You’re so used to the way you speak and interact with each other that you stop mindfully listening to what the other says.
Do these exchanges sound familiar?
Your Partner: “What a beautiful sunset.”
You: “Uh huh. Did you put the trash out?”
Or…
You: “I’m concerned about Sam. I don’t know what to do.”
Your Partner: “Yeah, I bet… What’s for dinner?”
You can turn away from a bid by absentmindedly responding to your partner or replying when you didn’t really hear what they said. This can lead to built-up tension and even full-blown conflict, especially if your partner feels unheard and rejected.
This turning away is often unintentional. You may not even be aware that you missed a bid because, such as the first example, your mind was on the trash and their mind was on the sunset.
Talk to your partner about a time that either one of you was on “autopilot.” If you had the chance again, how would you respond?
Bids are attempts at connection between partners. When they don’t go as planned, it’s frustrating for both people. If your partner keeps missing your bids, there’s a chance your bids are not as clear as you think.
In “The Relationship Cure,” Dr. John Gottman explains that partners who make subtle bids or “dance around issues” are likely trying to avoid emotional risk. After all, “openly bidding for connection can make us feel vulnerable,” he says. “Our hearts and egos are on the line.”
This “fuzzy bidding,” as he calls it, can look like being purposely ambiguous (“I’m fine with either”), negative framing (“Well, if you’d wash a dish once in a while, I wouldn’t be so cranky”), or not saying what you want at all.
Your partner is not a mindreader and most likely does not respond well to criticism veiled as expressing a need. While you may think you’re avoiding confrontation or rejection by making fuzzy bids, such interactions can increase the odds of both of you feeling hurt and misunderstood.
Make a commitment to be an emotional risk-taker when it comes to bids. Think about how you ask your partner for their attention and consider ways that are more direct (such as “I’d rather us stay home tonight” or “I’m really tired. I need time with you and some help around the house”). It’s vulnerable to put yourself out there. However, the safety of a healthy partnership is the perfect place to start.
Whether you’re in the heat of conflict or a tense, but civil State of the Union discussion, tough topics make listening with your defenses down quite difficult.
If you find certain topics always put you on the defensive, here’s a trick straight from Dr. John Gottman. In “What Makes Love Last?” he notes, “When I feel defensive, I try to write down everything my wife says. I remind myself that I care about her and she’s in a lot of discomfort, unhappiness, or pain. I am feeling defensive, but I will get my turn to talk.”
This simple act helps you listen to your partner and perhaps understand their perspective better. It also gives you time to gather your thoughts. This significantly slows down the chance of escalating the situation with a sharp, biting comeback.
Want to give it a try? The next time you’re headed toward conflict with your partner, pause, breathe, and write down what they’re saying. You might see the conversation in a whole new way.
Sending and recognizing nonverbal bids for connection are collectively an important part of your relationship. Bids can range from subtle to obvious and always signal the need for attention and connection. It’s good for you both to know them when you see them and accept the invitation to turn towards each other.
So, what does it look like when your partner makes a nonverbal bid for intimacy? Do you know their go-to move? Is it a smile from across the table? Do they cuddle close at bedtime? Also, how do you initiate? Are you sure your partner knows what you’re asking for?
In “What Makes Love Last?” Dr. John Gottman notes that these types of bids work, but only “as long as you are both clear about what message you’re sending or receiving.”
Take time today to talk about your nonverbal bids for intimacy. Start with recalling past lovemaking encounters. How did they begin? Who initiated and how? Did either of you ever offer a bid that was missed?
Learning to send and receive bids effectively depends on you both getting on the same page in and out of the bedroom.
“Forgot to take the trash again, I see.”
“They never ask how my day was.”
“This is the third time they overdrew our bank account this year.”
If you often mutter these phrases (or something similar) to yourself about your partner, you may think you’re avoiding conflict by keeping it to yourself. On the contrary, you unconsciously keep a running log of your partner’s mistakes and flaws, which can lead to a critical mindset. From there, it’s easy to slip into criticisms, such as, “You’re so inconsiderate” or “How can you be so irresponsible. You’re like a child.” Comments like these are hurtful and put your partner on the defensive.
Instead of building a silent case against your partner, communicate with them about what you want them to do. Change the negative critical thought into a positive need. So, “You forget to take out the trash all the time” turns into “I could really use your help taking the trash out.” Your need goes from negative to positive, and you will likely get a much better response.
Are you keeping track of your partner’s flaws? What can you do to change your negative need into a positive one?
The Sound Relationship House teaches that shared meaning is an essential part of a solid partnership. When you see life through a similar lens, you’re less likely to let miscommunicated (or uncommunicated) assumptions lead to conflict.
Shared meaning turns physical items into symbols that you both see the same way. For example, take your dining room table. Perhaps you see it as a workspace for projects or a place to put the mail. However, your partner sees it as a special area for family dining and wants to keep it clean between meals.
See how conflict can arise?
A good way to get on the same page with your symbols is to talk about them. Ask specific questions: What does this mean to you? Tell me a personal story about this. How do you want this to be treated?
When you communicate with each other about what something means or represents, you can align your values and beliefs and be supportive of one another.
What are your shared symbols? How can you better understand how your partner sees your life together?
In “What Makes Love Last?” Dr. John Gottman notes that emotional repairs are more effective than cognitive attempts because emotional repairs lower tension by acknowledging the feelings of both partners.
One approach to an emotional repair is making promises—more specifically, agreeing to a positive change in the future.
This can look like any of the following:
- “From here on out, I will listen to you more.”
- “I can work on my tone in future conversations.”
- “Next time we have an argument, I will take a break when I see you’re flooded.”
- “No more phones at the table during dinner. I want to be more present when we’re together.”
Responses like this, especially during conflict, allow you to take responsibility for your behavior and show your partner that you consider them and their feelings.
When it comes to repairing, what can you promise your partner?
Sharing fondness and admiration is crucial in a relationship, but sometimes gets drowned out by daily routines and absentmindedness. Still, those positive thoughts invoke positive feelings. The goal is to turn both into positive actions that bring companionship back in your relationship.
Showing your appreciation for your partner can be done in little ways throughout the day. For example:
You see your partner is stressed about a work project. You ask them how the project is going and listen to their feelings about it. You add how proud you are of them for working so hard.
You make a tasty tuna salad, but your partner loves a different recipe from a family member. One day you surprise your partner by making the special dish that they enjoy just for them.
You see your partner on the scale and you know they’ve been unhappy with their weight. You wrap your arms around them and say, “I love you just the way you are.”
Show your partner that you are on their side. Use what you know about your partner to let them truly understand how much you love and respect them.
Self-soothing is essential to conflict management. You can course-correct an argument that gets too heated by regulating your own response. Further, you can make repairs by soothing your partner as well.
Part of knowing each other’s inner world is understanding what your partner needs when they are flooded.
What calms them down? A long hug? Saying something kind and gentle such as, “I hear you”? Or do they just need you to listen for a while?
As you work to self-soothe, consider what can help your partner as well. If you’re not sure, ask them. “What can I do to soothe you?” Their answer may hold the key to successful repair attempts, better conflict management, and a stronger emotional bond.
How you handle conflict speaks volumes about the health of your relationship. Discover What to Do After a Fight, the latest from the Gottman Relationship Coach, and get the tools you need to restore your connection.
The existence of conflict does not spell the end of your relationship. Some negativity is necessary for stability, but positivity is what nourishes the relationship. One of the predictors of a relationship’s failure is a couple’s inability to manage conflict in a healthy manner and to move forward knowing the source of their gridlock.
Couples need to understand their fights. To move forward after an argument, begin by asking yourself the following questions:
- “How did we get here in the first place?”
- “Why didn’t our conversation go well?”
- “What is the meaning of the issue between us?”
- “What are the sources of our gridlock on this subject?”
Most importantly, ask yourself: “What was the conversation we needed to have, but didn’t?”
The ultimate goal in the aftermath of a fight is to have dialogue about the underlying issues that started it. Miscommunication can cause further unnecessary conflict, but at the same time, such a regrettable incident is an opportunity to work together and grow as a couple.
Have you ever apologized to your partner after a fight, but it didn’t seem to make a difference?
The Gottmans believe the effectiveness of making repairs after a conflict depends on the state of your relationship. If you’re fundamentally unhappy together, the perfect apology will still fall flat. This is related to “Negative Sentiment Override,” when you no longer see each other’s good traits and only see the bad. Once a relationship is in this phase, repair attempts can be doomed from the start.
The good news is you can “buck the system,” as Dr. John Gottman says. “You don’t have to wait for your marriage to improve before you start hearing each other’s repair attempts.”
When the next conflict occurs, be intentional about looking for your partner’s attempts to repair. Whether they say, “I’m sorry” or “Let’s start over,” recognize their effort to bridge the divide and see where you can meet them halfway. It’s the starting point towards breaking the cycle of negativity.
In “What Makes Love Last,” Dr. John Gottman states, “In a committed relationship, partners constantly ask each other in words and deeds for support and understanding.” That gesture is called a bid, and it signals that your partner needs to connect with you.
But what does a bid look like in everyday life?
Your partner can reach out in any number of ways, both verbal and nonverbal. The spoken bids are easier to recognize. They may sound like:
“Look at this funny video.”
“Honey, what’s on your mind?”
Nonverbal bids are trickier, but Dr. Gottman breaks them down to include:
- Affection (a kiss, hug, or shoulder rub)
- Facial expressions (a smile or glance)
- Playful touching (a light tickling or gentle bump)
- Affiliating gestures (opening a door or handing something over)
- Vocalizing (laughing, sighing, groaning, etc.)
Be on the lookout for any variation of these examples. Your partner may be trying to get your attention.
So often, people wonder, “How frequently should we make love?” Here’s a better question: “How often do we talk about it?”
In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John Gottman notes that updating your “Intimacy Love Maps” (the inner world of your partner including likes and dislikes in the bedroom) starts with asking your partner two simple questions:
What felt good last time?
What do you need to make it better?
Find a quiet moment today, just the two of you, to have this conversation. If it feels uncomfortable to say some things out loud, try writing it down. Trade notes. When you know what turns each other on, you’ve got a clear pathway towards an exciting experience that will leave you both wanting more.
When arguing with your partner, do you have a signature move? Is there something you do or say often in conflict?
Perhaps, you find yourself making critical statements like: “You never listen to me” or “You always get your way.” Maybe, when you’re really upset, you resort to name-calling and mocking. Or, as soon as things get heated, you shut down completely and the silent treatment goes into effect.
Every couple fights, but not every couple knows how to fight in a healthy way. In the heat of the moment, you may be prone to rely on old communication habits, no matter how unhelpful they are.
Take time today to think about your conflict style. Ask your partner what you commonly do or say in an argument? They know the impact of your words and actions in conflict and have a unique perspective. For example, while you may think you’re pointing out objective facts, your partner feels attacked.
When you know how you fight, you can make the necessary changes and learn how to fight better.
Let’s say your partner is having a bad day. Perhaps they had an argument with a friend or they didn’t get the second job interview; any type of disappointing event from a stressor outside of your relationship. It leaves your partner feeling dejected. How do you respond?
In “The Relationship Cure,” Dr. John Gottman notes, “In moments of deep discouragement, it can be extremely comforting to have a reliable outward sign that your spouse stands by you.” This is an opportunity to establish a ritual of connection.
Rituals for a bad day can look like stopping by the bakery to get those cupcakes they like or offering to rub their shoulders while you listen to them share their feelings. It’s also helpful to build Love Maps together so you know exactly what your partner needs when they feel low.
This isn’t the time for attempting to solve your partner’s problems for them. Understanding precedes advice, so your ritual of connection is first and foremost a source of comfort where your partner feels seen, known, and loved.
Make supporting each other through tough times a habit in your relationship. You’ll find that your love will grow when your partner knows they have you to lean on.
Think back to the last argument you had with your partner.
It’s probably easy to remember what your partner did or said that was wrong, but have you considered where you were at fault?
Did you forget to use a soft start-up when bringing a sensitive topic to the table? Did you slip into criticism in the heat of the moment?
Taking responsibility for your part in the escalation of an argument can be difficult. However, it’s one of the most important things you can do both in and after a conflict. Owning it looks like: “I shouldn’t have shouted” or “I could have listened to you closely when you shared how you felt.” You acknowledge what you did and how you could have done it differently.
So, don’t just say “sorry” and assume you both moved on. Be specific and intentional by owning your role in the conflict. It is the key to unlocking long-lasting connection with your partner.
You have possibly taken time to note the signs of flooding that you exhibit when you’ve reached your max in an argument. However, can you tell when your partner is overwhelmed?
Is it obvious like raising their voice or shutting down completely? Or is it something more subtly, such as the changing of eye color or a face that looks flushed?
It’s important to know when your partner is physiologically flooded during conflict, especially if their tell-tale sign is a “blink and you’ll miss it” characteristic. With this information, you can help bring a fight back from the brink by noting what’s happening and initiating a time-out.
Hey, honey, it seems like you’re getting upset. Let’s take a breather.
Okay, time-out. Things are getting heated and I can see it. Can we go cool off?
Think back to your last argument and jot down physical traits, gestures, or movements that your partner did that could signal flooding. Or better yet, ask them. They can give you insight into the little things they do that you can pick up on. Once you know the signs of flooding in conflict from both yourself and your partner, you’re more likely to change course and head for calmer seas.
Reflecting on arguments they’ve had, many couples will say, “I don’t even remember why it started,” or, “It was over nothing.” But unless you try to investigate that, arguments and conflict may begin to feel frustrating or unresolved for you. The next time you and your partner find yourselves at odds, try asking yourself, “Why is this important to me?”
Dreams, deeply held values, and beliefs lie at the root of every conflict you and your partner have. Even if it seems silly at first.
For example, you might dismiss a squabble over who gets to pick the movie for date night as “fighting about nothing.” But, if you investigate why it turned into a tiff at all, you might remember that your opinion or taste was often dismissed by your family growing up. Or maybe your partner is feeling like they aren’t being heard in the relationship or don’t have an equal say.
If you write it off as nothing, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to learn, to connect, and to be a better partner.
Due to the pandemic, it’s likely that your holiday traditions look very different this year. Whether that means you’re not traveling to see extended family or the dinner table has fewer seats than usual, the changes to your rituals can stir up many different emotions from grief to even anxiety.
It’s okay to mourn the loss of this season the way it used to be. At the same time, remember that the joy of this season is the togetherness of people we love and that doesn’t change even if it’s only you and your partner. When you two are with each other, that can be just as special as a house full of people.
If you can’t be home for the holidays, remember that home is wherever “the love light gleams,” as the old song says. So long as you have your partner, you have a lot of love right in this moment—just the two of you.
Negative Sentiment Override is a relationship downer. In healthy relationships, it’s the nagging perspective that your otherwise supportive partner can’t seem to do anything right. You find yourself critical of their every move. When left unchecked, it leads to bitterness and contempt on both sides.
How can you shift the outlook on your partnership to a positive one? To begin, take a cue from the sentiment of the holiday season.
Instead of a naughty list, write down everything nice about your partner. You can be broad (“I love how you make me laugh”) or specific (“It meant a lot when you washed the dishes after that messy meal yesterday”). The goal is to come up with as many nice attributes about your partner as you can. This is a mental exercise of “Sharing Fondness and Admiration,” which is also an essential level of the Sound Relationship House.
The more intentional you are about looking for the good in your partner, the more good you will see.
When it comes to couples’ conflict, in the heat of the moment, it’s hard to calm down. You’re likely experiencing a physiological reaction, such as a faster heart rate or feeling flushed. In these moments, you’re flooded and that fight-or-flight response can either shut down your argument or turn it into World War 3.
It’s important to have some self-soothing techniques in your pocket so that when the next conflict arises (and it will), you’re ready to keep your cool.
Take time today to think about all the ways that bring you back to a rested state. Do you need to take a walk? Do you need to close your eyes and breathe deeply a few times? Practice making these techniques your go-to in an argument so you’re ready to self-soothe and relax. It will take things down a notch and allow you and your partner another chance to have a genuine dialogue.
Near the top of the Sound Relationship House is a level called “Make Life Dreams Come True.” On this floor, you build up your partnership by helping each other accomplish long- and short-term goals.
Do you know what your partner’s dreams are? What is that thing they’ve always wanted to do? Even if you think you already know, remember that dreams change over time. You can ask them what they want out of life. Then, ask yourself what you can do to help make that happen.
Today, dream together. In this unpredictable world, set your cynicism aside and let your thoughts go wild with the possibilities. You may find that you have similar hopes for the future, and if you work together, you can see them all come true.
Relationships are all about managing differences which, if left unchecked, can turn into problems. Knowing this, you can tackle your next conflict by learning to “Dialogue About Problems,” per the Sound Relationship House.
Dialogue doesn’t come naturally, because your brain is more wired to decide than to discuss. And even when you talk, there’s the tendency to compare, judge, and weigh different viewpoints against each other. The goal of dialoguing about problems is to ask your partner open-ended questions with an open mind. It gives them a chance to influence your decision.
So the next time differences start boiling over into problems, be intentional about starting a dialogue. Give space for both of you to share your feelings and the reasons behind them. It’s an essential step in conflict management and securing a solid relationship.
A central level of the Sound Relationship House is Managing Conflict. Since it cannot be avoided, your job as a couple is to learn how to fight well and reach resolutions when you can.
One of the ways to accomplish this is to let your partner influence you.
Depending on your partner’s personality, they may be inclined to keep a controversial opinion to themselves. Maybe they’re the type that doesn’t want to rock the boat. While it may seem considerate, the problem is that you can’t let them influence you if you don’t know how they feel.
Today, before you make the call on something as simple as dinner or as complex as where to spend the holidays, ask your partner what they think and encourage them to be honest. Ask for clarification or elaboration and give their answers significant weight in the decision.
When you help your partner share their inner thoughts and let those thoughts guide your direction, you validate their presence in this relationship. It’s a simple way to say, “I hear you. Your feelings matter to me.”
In the Sound Relationship House, couples use Rituals of Connection to create shared meaning. Have you ever considered a ritual of connection centering on gratitude? It can be something you do together that says thank you in a big or small way.
In a year fraught with stress and worry, everyone could use some kind words. So, get together with your partner and figure out who you two can thank and how.
Has someone encouraged your growth as a couple or given you advice when you really needed it? How about the babysitter who watches your kids when you need a date night or the neighbor who takes care of your pets when you take a long weekend away?
Think of a creative way to show your gratitude toward them. Whether it’s a handcrafted gift or personalized note, you both can make the gesture as a bonding experience and enjoy the time spent together in the process. You can turn this into a ritual you do every year.
Be intentional about being thankful by building it into the fabric of your relationship. It helps you connect and express gratitude at the same time.
The fourth level of the Sound Relationship House is the Positive Perspective. When you work on this concept, it will change the way you see your partnership.
Think of the Positive Perspective like a pair of glasses. You see everything through those lenses, and the way they are shaped affects your outlook. A Positive Perspective is the same.
Through these glasses, you can see your partner as an ally—like you’re on the same team and they have your best interest at heart.
So, a misunderstanding doesn’t elicit a defensive stance. You’re more likely to hear their frustration as related to outside stressors rather than as a critical comment towards you. Then, and most importantly, you’re on the lookout for more opportunities that draw you closer together instead of further apart.
Today, see your partner through the frames of a Positive Perspective. Take every interaction as though the person speaking to you is on your side. You’ll find so many reasons to cherish each other when you know where (and how) to look.
As you give your partnership a solid foundation with the building blocks of the Sound Relationship House, don’t skip the middle level of “Turning Toward Instead of Away.” Recognizing and responding to your partner’s bids shows them how attuned you are to their needs.
However, some bids seem small and low stakes, and you’re tempted to ignore them. The deep sigh. The distracted stare. That “I’m fine” doesn’t sound fine.
Remember that your world stops when your partner is hurting, and when you respond to those bids that signal your partner is in pain, you can support them when they need it most.
You know your partner. You know when something isn’t right. So, when you notice those smaller bids, take the time to offer your undivided attention and ask them how they really feel.
Does your partner know how much you appreciate them? Do they know how much the little things they do matter?
When building your Sound Relationship House, it’s not enough to think good thoughts about your partner and keep them to yourself. You need to let them know. So, if you love that they always remember your coffee order or how they can still make you laugh when you’ve had a rough day, say so!
You can do it intentionally or whenever the mood strikes you, but make a habit of sharing how much you admire your partner and how fond you are of what they bring to your relationship. This is how you cherish one another and keep the romance alive.
Building Love Maps is how you know your partner’s inner world, and just like literal road maps, they need updates as things change.
Your partner’s tastes, feelings, and preferences evolve over time. Whether it’s as simple as the way they take their coffee or as complex as desiring a career change, a Love Map rarely stays stagnant.
Take time today to check in with your partner. Before you presume any long-standing preference they have, ask. You can also talk to them about the changing feelings that you experience.
Keeping your Love Maps updated helps you stay attuned to your partner’s truest self and strengthens your relationship from the inside out.
There’s an old, well-meaning if misguided saying, “happy wife, happy life.” Maybe a better way to update and reimagine that is, “happy spouse, happy house.”
“Happy wife, happy life,” implies a sort of “yes, dear,” “whatever you say, dear,” attitude—resigned, and maybe resentful. But there’s a big difference between that and accepting influence, which is a two-way street.
Foster a culture of reciprocity. Rather than thinking about what your partner isn’t doing for you or what you’re not getting from them, try to notice the ways they are doing their best and dig into ways you can show up for each other better.
You may even want to take out the guesswork and ask them, “what can I do to make you feel loved today?”
Because when the relationship is solid and has reciprocity, it creates a better environment for everyone.
Distress, disconnection, dissatisfaction. Even healthy relationships experience an ebb and flow of these dynamics. But what steps can you take to resolve it? How can you and your partner help each other get to where you want to feel?
If you have a general feeling or “destination” in mind (“I want to feel more connected”) ask yourself, “What does that look like?”
Does feeling more connected to your partner look like spending more time being physically affectionate? Does it look like having a conversation about what each of you is feeling? Maybe it looks like playing a game or watching a show together.
Figuring out how to get what you want, and what that looks like, will help you identify your positive needs. Then you can ask your partner for what you need specifically and help them show up for you.
The Headless Horseman is a character from folklore, traditionally depicted as a man on horseback who is seen either carrying his head or having lost it entirely. At times, he is depicted using a jack-o-lantern as a replacement (festive!).
Similarly, when you engage in one of the Four Horsemen (Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, or Stonewalling), you may feel as though you have lost your head and/or temporarily replaced it with a jack-o-lantern.
But just as spotting the Headless Horseman is a rare occurrence (no one in the folk tales encounters him at the feed store, offering his opinions in the comments section of a Facebook post, or struggling to assemble IKEA furniture), the Four Horsemen are not permanent states of being.
In most healthy relationships, a partner is not always critical, defensive, contemptuous, or stonewalling. Aside from Contempt, they are behaviors that even the happiest couples occasionally slip into.
The difference is that the “Masters” of relationships know how to keep the Four Horsemen at bay and maintain a high positive-to-negative interaction ratio, even in conflict.
So try to keep the Horsemen (Headless and otherwise) reined in to avoid any unnecessary scares.
It’s easy to get hung up on the things you could improve in your relationship. There’s always a little thing here or there that went imperfectly, that results in conflict, or that you wish you’d handled better. And it’s normal to strive to improve.
But you’re together for a reason. Sometimes in the journey toward what’s possible, you might forget to look at the progress you’ve already made.
Every relationship is unique. What are your relationship’s strengths? What do you two do better than anyone else you know? Go ahead, get smug about it!
There’s always something to nitpick—an artist never truly “finishes” their work and relationships are co-created works of art. But it’s important to take some time to pat yourselves on the back for what you already do well.
What are your relationship’s superpowers? What have you gotten a lot better at over time? What have you never had to work on? Celebrate your strengths.
Imagine repair attempts as buttons on a TV remote control. If the conversation goes awry, you can “press”:
Rewind (Sorry)
- “Can I try again?”
- “I messed up.”
- “How can I make things better?”
- “I’m sorry.”
- “I agree with part of what you’re saying.”
- “Let’s find a compromise.”
- “What are your concerns?”
- “Can we take a break from this conversation for now?”
- “Please be gentler with me”
- “I am starting to feel flooded.”
- “Give me a moment.”
- “Let’s agree to disagree.”
- “We are getting off track.”
- “That’s a good point.”
- “I know this isn’t your fault.”
- “I love you.”
- “That hurt my feelings.”
- “I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?”
- “I’m getting worried.”
The better you get at using and recognizing repairs, the more effective they will be in your relationship.
Every loving action—turning towards bids, recognizing and acting on “sliding door moments,” checking in with each other, sharing a dream for the future—acts as a “deposit.” Couples can rely on this buildup of goodwill in their Emotional Bank Account as a sort of “rainy day fund” for when they are stressed out, in conflict, or just exhausted.
So what can you do when prolonged periods of stress, conflict, or anxiety have you feeling overdrawn? What can you do if you don’t feel like you have that cushion of kindness to fall back on?
Here are three things you can do to get your balance back on track:
- Train your brain to notice the good. We like to say “catch your partner doing something right,” rather than identifying and dwelling on the ways your partner is letting you down. Are they turning towards your bids for connection? Are they still doing that chore that you’ve gotten used to them doing? Even noticing if your partner looks cute or smiling at them can start to get your brain on the frequency of positivity.
- Express appreciation. Compliment your partner, say thank you, and call out when they do things that make you feel cared for.
- Talk about it. Tell your partner about your stress, and listen (without problem-solving!) to theirs. Share, without blame, that you’re feeling disconnected. Chances are they’re feeling the same way, and then you can start making deposits together.
The saying, “it’s a marathon, not a sprint,” could apply to relationships, but a better metaphor to consider might be that commitment is a road, not a destination.
You and your partner are on the road together.. Was it bumpy at the start? Have there been unexpected detours? Or maybe you’ve even hit a pothole or two.
But the best way to move forward is not to dwell in those potholes.. Even if they cause a flat tire, you call roadside assistance and keep going.
It’s okay to hit a rough patch.. It’s okay to call for help, ask for directions, or look at a map if you get lost.
You’re on the road together, navigating it side by side.. Trust and love are built in the small moments, and often as a result of some of the toughest stretches of road.
Do you assume the best in your partner? What assumptions do you make when they do something that happens to ruffle your feathers?
In most relatively healthy relationships, partners are not out to “get” each other. However, sometimes, if negative sentiment is starting to creep in, their actions can be interpreted that way.
For example, you said you were going to do the dishes but time got away from you and your partner ended up doing them instead. Within the context of assuming negativity, they might think you deliberately “forgot” so they would have to do them. You might think that their doing the dishes was a way of communicating, “I’m always cleaning up after you,” and feel defensive.
Or, you could treat each other with care. In that instance, your partner might think, “They’re really busy. I’m sure they just forgot.” Seeing that they did the dishes out of kindness, you might thank them.
Dr. John Gottman says, “Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.” Accordingly, you and your partner can treat each other with extra generosity by assuming positive intent.
What would happen if you viewed your partner as an ally rather than an adversary?
In this episode of Jay Shetty’s podcast, he talks to John and Julie Gottman about what they learned from decades of studying the “masters of relationships.”
John Gottman notes that he was surprised to find that couples having what is categorized as a “neutral” or calm interaction are actually doing well.
Julie Gottman adds, “I want to be sure that our listeners don’t think that expressing anger is a bad thing. That is not true. So being passionate, being intense, expressing anger, and so on is fine depending on how you voice it. So if you’re expressing anger with an ‘I’ statement that describes how you feel, as opposed to pointing a finger at your partner and describing them as flawed or to blame, that’s very different.”
Even if it’s not your proudest moment, owning your anger by saying, “I’m mad!” is ok, rather than saying, “you’re making me mad!”
You may be feeling anger, and that’s fine, but your partner isn’t making you feel it. It’s okay to feel angry, as long as you acknowledge and own that it’s your feeling.
During times of stress, overwhelm, and upheaval, it can be difficult to find joy or humor in much at all. But it’s not a betrayal to yourself or the severity of the moment to still find things funny.
What makes you laugh? When was the last time you really laughed out loud?
Was it a podcast you enjoy, a movie that tickled you, or maybe even a really funny video or meme? Is there a way you can share that joy and laughter with your partner?
This week, or just today, seek out things that make you laugh. Find ways to laugh together.
The couple that plays together, stays together.
Nature is a powerful teacher. To embrace transformation, look no further than deciduous trees, who change color, shed their leaves, and grow anew with the seasons.
These trees change in their own time, at the exact pace they’re meant to, and without fixating on the last phase. That we know of, trees don’t spend all winter missing their fallen leaves. There is a quiet confidence that new leaves will grow, and it is all part of the process.
What if relationships are the same way? Moving and transforming through phases—each season lasting as long as it is meant to before yielding to the next.
This year has called for an abundance of grace, patience, and surrender. How can you and your partner embrace change as it continues to propel you forward? What changes have resulted in losses that you still need to grieve?
- Be compassionate toward yourself — it’s okay to not be okay.
- Develop a routine — engage with certain anchor points or actions throughout the day to help ground you.
- Consume media that helps you detach from reality — take a break from what is overwhelming you. It’s okay to distract yourself.
- Solve problems in your everyday life — doing this can help remove small barriers that can add up and increase a feeling of overwhelm.
- Be grateful for the things that you have — it can help lift your spirits and the spirits of those who receive your gratitude.
- Share how you are struggling — everyone is struggling in some way or another right now. Suffering is universal and it can be helpful to connect with people who can empathize.
How do you “recharge your batteries”? Is it by getting lost in a good book, or maybe losing track of time in conversation with a friend? Maybe you recharge by meditating, taking a nap, tending to the plants, singing in the shower, or going online and adding things to your shopping cart, then clicking out of the site (no judgment here!).
By not taking time to rest, you limit your own capacity for empathy, positivity, creativity, and rationality, among other things. You can’t show up as your best self for your partner without first checking in and showing up for yourself.
And that means granting yourself permission to rest. Take the time and space you need to recharge, even if it means being less “productive” in that moment. Don’t expect your partner, or yourself, to be able to “do it all.” Rest is an essential human need, and we can support one another in making sure we’re stopping for rest, even if just for a few moments.
What if you created a new rest ritual together—a dedicated time once a day or once a week to D.E.A.R. (Drop Everything And Rest!)
What does “accepting influence” look like? What is the difference between the Four Horsemen and emotional abuse? How do you respond to them? When is a relationship too far gone? What do you do when you disagree on certain values?
Drs. John and Julie Gottman answer these popular questions and more here in our exclusive Q&A.
Hear advice and examples from the experts themselves. Watch the whole thing, or jump to a specific question. Here’s a sample, on how to address conflict without overwhelming your partner:
“When you don’t have an issue to bring up, sit down with your partner and ask [them], ‘What is the best way for me to bring up an issue with you that will feel comfortable for you and won’t feel threatening?’”
Contempt is a tricky thing. It’s destructive to the love in a relationship, and yet it can be insidious.
Often, subtle forms of contempt feel perfectly justified—”I’m standing up for myself,” or “I’m just telling it like it is.” But what you may not realize is that you’re standing up for yourself against your partner, putting yourselves in opposition to each other.
So while contempt may seem like the expression of genuine feeling, it’s actually an expression of negative judgment.
Try to practice expressing yourself with feelings and longings that can unite you and your partner, rather than judgments that can divide.
For example:
“It scares me when you drive fast!”
vs
“Why can’t you drive more like I do?”
“I felt embarrassed at the party when you left to chat with your friends and I didn’t have anyone to talk to.”
vs
“I would never abandon you like that!”
“The way you’re reacting is really unexpected for me. Can you tell me more about what’s going on?”
vs
“You need help.”
Hall and Oates, Mulder and Scully, Bert and Ernie, Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg, Laverne and Shirley, Macaroni & Cheese…
What team or famous duo does your relationship function like? What does it look like when you really work together?
The best team members are able to support each other when things get ugly. They show up. They mean it when they say, “when you’re hurting, the world stops and I listen.”
With someone on your side, you feel less alone. What a gift to be able to give someone else, just by being there!
The next time you or your partner is going through something difficult, instead of asking “how can I fix this?” or “how can I make them understand the other viewpoint?” stop and ask, “how can we face this together?”
How can you work together to handle whatever comes your way?
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What is trust?
Trust expert Rachel Botsman defines trust as having “a confident relationship to the unknown.” She illustrates trust as the bridge between the known and the unknown, over a river of uncertainty.
So how does that apply to relationships?
What’s known is how your partner shows up for you—their presence, the way they interact with you, the things they do and say. The unknown is the meaning or intention behind that—what they’re thinking, how they perceive things, their core feelings.
Trust is believing or being confident that your partner has your best interests at heart. It’s acting in good faith, giving them the benefit of the doubt, or holding the belief that they are doing their best.
Trust, like a bridge, is built. You can improve your belief in your partner, and your partner’s belief in you, over time through small, intentional acts.
Have you ever gotten the day off on the wrong foot? And then it can seem like everything is going downhill. Well, with the concept of “repair and restart” the whole day doesn’t need to be ruined.
Give yourself permission to ask for a “do-over.”
It can be an immediate repair—“I’m sorry, that came out wrong. Can I start again?”
Or the reset can happen later on—“I feel bad about how crabby I was this morning. Can we have a stress-reducing conversation tonight?”
This also applies if you are supervising home-based learning or working from home and need to reset the day. Repair with self-compassion and do something to reset the energy of the day. Listen to music, get up and dance, go for a walk, take a break to meditate—whatever works for you.
The concept of “active listening” can be challenging to apply, especially in conflict or a tense conversation. Or it may feel false to you, like a character in a movie who sets the phone down and keeps saying “mmhm,” “oh wow” to the speaker on the other end. Some may even interpret “active listening” to be chiming in, interrupting, or talking over.
Instead, practice engaged listening, and remember that it’s a skill built over time. Here are some quick tips for better listening.
DO:
- Tune in to what the other person is saying. Stay curious.
- Make understanding a goal. Confirm what you heard with the speaker to see if you have it right.
- Repair if you interrupt, get distracted, become defensive, or misunderstand.
- Ask clarifying questions.
- Inhabit the role of a passenger on the speaker’s train of thought. Follow their journey, at their pace.
- Be aware of how much time you spend talking in the conversation.
- Spend your time planning what you are going to say next/waiting for your turn to speak.
- Try to “fix” things or offer unsolicited advice.
- Split your focus between the speaker and your phone or something else. Multitasking is a fallacy.
- Try to finish or anticipate what the speaker is saying.
- Take what the other person is saying so personally that you become defensive and unable to hear their side.
- Completely shut down your own reaction to what the other person is saying. Your feelings and reactions are valid and it’s good to pay attention to what comes up for you.
When you think about your closest friends, what comes to mind? Is it their best qualities and what you like about them? Or maybe you can think of some of their shortcomings, but you accept those as part of who they are—a loveable, imperfect person.
Do you hold the same regard for your partner? Or are they put through the lens of additional scrutiny, irritation, or judgment?
Imagine going out to a restaurant. As you look from table to table, it might be easy to guess which table is seated with close friends, which one hosts a first or second date, and who’s in a romantic relationship based on how engaged they are with each other. Sadly, you might guess that the couple spending most of their time on their phones has been together the longest.
One of the simple secrets to lasting love is feeding the flames of friendship. The sexy sizzle of romance ebbs and flows, but it’s the underpinning of friendship and positive regard that makes a relationship truly great.
As you may already know, “creating a culture of fondness and admiration” is the antidote to contempt, the most destructive of Gottman’s Four Horsemen. But it’s not like you can just flip the switch and suddenly have a relationship full of sunshine and flowers.
Change happens slowly over time – appreciation needs to be grown and nurtured. The way out of contempt is a path; one that leads toward fondness and admiration.
Start with a seed. Catch your partner doing something right today. Simply noting something you appreciate about them, even if it’s something that seems small, creates the rich soil for genuine warmth to take root.
But in reality, no one can know the future with 100% certainty. And that can be scary. Ambiguity causes anxiety for many. So how can you reassure your partner, and yourself, when you don’t know what’s going to happen?
Embrace ambiguity. Lean into it, turn towards it, and start sharing about it.
Using Dr. Pauline Boss’s Ambiguous Loss theory, adapted here by Certified Gottman Therapist Michael McNulty, here’s what partners can do to embrace ambiguity.
- Know that what you’re experiencing is uncertain or ambiguous—label it, and accept it.
- Normalize ambivalence—it’s okay to have mixed feelings.
- Share perspectives—there’s a lot of information out there and you and your partner may disagree. Stay open.
- Be flexible and creative.
- Reconstruct routines and rituals—try seeing change as an opportunity for a refresh.
- Find meaning—you are not alone.
It can be hard not to take things personally, especially within a conflict discussion. The risk of feeling personally wounded may cause some couples to become conflict-avoidant.
As Ellyn Bader, Ph.D., explains in this interview, conflict avoidance is a function of fusion—when one partner attempts to “merge” with the other.
“One way of doing this is becoming more like your partner in hopes of being loved. There’s a deep fear that says, ‘If I express my needs and have different needs than my partner, I’m going to be abandoned.’
The other conflict-avoidant stance is loving your partner at arm’s length. The fear in this stance says, ‘If I become more open and vulnerable, I’m going to get swallowed up and lose my sense of self.’”
The opposite of fusion is differentiation— first acknowledging that you and your partner are two, separate individuals with different identities, and then developing a secure way to relate to each other.
The more differentiated you are, the less likely you are to take things as personally. You can still empathize, but don’t feel the burden of identifying with your partner’s feelings and can separate how you feel. This also keeps you from expecting your partner to take ownership of your individual feelings.
Encourage you to make time to spend together, with intention, even if a “date” doesn’t look the way it used to.
What do you consider a date? It’s probably more than just time spent together in the same room. Make some agreements with your partner around date time. For example, maybe phones and distractions are put aside. Or maybe you agree that some conversation topics (work, the pandemic, or finances) are off-limits.
Set the intention to invest your time in turning toward each other and enjoying each other’s presence, and plan for what that means to you if you can’t physically be together or go out to your favorite date spots right now.
Social connection strengthens your resilience, which lowers stress. One way to increase your connections is to share what’s on your mind, even if it’s scary to do that.
To put something out in the open, subject to examination, is to separate it from the power you’ve been giving it in your head. It could be that the thought or feeling itself isn’t so scary, once it’s stripped of the shame it’s been feeding off of.
Maybe you’ve been stewing over something your partner said or did. For example, let’s say they noted that a dish you cooked was too salty. That idea then grew, over the course of several days, into, “my partner thinks I am the worst cook in the world.” It’s an extreme assertion, but one that you can probably rationalize if you don’t release it by sharing it with your partner.
If you keep the damaging, shameful thought inside, you deny your partner the opportunity to shine the light on it with loving truth.
Of course, in order to share you need to feel safe doing so, and that begins with creating a feeling of safety for others. That means listening as non-defensively and non-reactively as possible, and having a shared goal of understanding one another, rather than being “right.”
Susan David, Ph.D., David describes two characteristic ways of dealing with difficult emotions or experiences: bottling and brooding.
“Bottling is essentially pushing the emotion down. For example, you’re upset with a person. You’re feeling angry because you feel exploited, and what you do is you tell yourself, ‘I’m just not going to go there, and I’ve got to go to work. I’ve got all this other stuff to do.’
And what you are doing is pushing the emotions down. Often you do this with very good intentions. You feel at some level that emotions are locked up in a bottle, and you have all of this other stuff that you can’t do, so you continue to push the emotions into a bottle, per se.
Brooding is when you are so consumed with the emotions you’re feeling that it becomes difficult to do anything else. When you’re brooding, you’re dwelling on the emotions, you’re analyzing hurt. You’re thinking, Why am I feeling what I’m feeling? It’s like you can’t let go and you obsess over the hurt, a perceived failure, or a shortcoming.
Brooding has some very good intentions—one of which is to try to deal with emotions effectively. So both bottling and brooding are done with good intentions [… but] we know from research that it tends not to work.”
Avoidance (bottling) and hyperfocus (brooding) can both be damaging to your physical and emotional health. Do you tend to push challenging emotions away, or clutch them too tightly? What would a more balanced approach to your emotions look and feel like?
“Self-care” is everywhere. It’s trendy and, as a concept, it’s extremely vague. The words “self-care” may conjure up images of bubble baths, mud masks, or anything involving essential oils.
But what if bubble baths don’t do it for you?
Self-care isn’t just about treating yourself—it’s about treating yourself well. And that looks different for everyone.
So what relaxes or soothes you? What makes you feel good in your body? What’s an experience or activity that makes the world slip away?
What did you enjoy doing as a kid? What about that activity or experience did you enjoy most?
Maybe your version of self-care is going for a run, or maybe it’s watching a favorite episode of a show you’ve already seen. Maybe you like to get immersed in a jigsaw puzzle or a novel—or maybe self-care means lighting all the candles you own, singing at the top of your lungs, and cleaning the toilet.
What does self-care look like for your partner? How is it similar to your version of self-care? How is it different? How can you create moments that facilitate self-care for each of you?
When you tune in to the things that light you from within, you are better able to share your light with others.
Sometimes it can be challenging to “agree to disagree,” especially if the disagreement is with your partner or feels fundamental.
Maybe you have held onto the belief that you and your partner need to agree on everything to have a good relationship. Then a disagreement arises and threatens to completely deflate you, leaving you to wonder if you have any shared values at all.
But this is your partner, not your clone, and you’re bound to see the world differently from time to time. What’s important is separating your self from your views.
Even if you don’t agree with your partner’s views, can you still see, value, understand, and accept them as a human being? What do you know about your partner that might inform these views?
Let’s use this disagreement as an example: You think Fozzie Bear is the best Muppet; your partner strongly favors Kermit.
What do you know about your partner that could help you understand why they hold this belief? Maybe they have always felt drawn to frogs, or have a special childhood memory attached to “The Rainbow Connection.”
Just because you understand does not mean you have to agree.
You could say, “I can see why you think Kermit is the best Muppet. He has many admirable leadership qualities and he did some good reporting for Sesame Street, so I really understand why he appeals to you. And I still think Fozzie is the best—Wocka Wocka for life. Even though we don’t agree on this, we can agree that we love each other.”
Change the goal from agreement to understanding.
- Warm-up. Start the conversation with appreciation for each other and celebrations of what’s going well. This sets the tone for the rest of the conversation, which will be about conflict so it’s important to start from a positive place.
- Understanding. Before you come up with solutions, you have to understand each point of view and agree on what problem you’re solving together. Take turns as Speaker and Listener. Resist the urge to persuade your partner of your viewpoint, as it is generally counterproductive.
- Compromise. Now that you understand your partner’s perspective, you can solve the problem together. If you bring a perpetual problem to the meeting, try to find a temporary compromise and agree to revisit it later.
Important note: Take breaks if you find that you and/or your partner are becoming flooded. A positive (win-win) outcome is much more likely if partners aren’t overwhelmed in the process.
Be gentle with each other and ease into it, especially if you don’t already practice regular check-ins. Start with an approachable issue to build the habit—don’t tackle your biggest, most raw conflict up top.
Next time you guys get into a fight…
The key is to keep yourself from making assumptions. Maintain curiosity.
Let’s say, for example, that your partner says, “I saw the most annoying thing on Facebook today.”
You could make an assumption and interrupt them with, “Oh, did your aunt post another Minions meme? You should unfollow her.”
Or you could get curious:
Your partner:“They were all for the same baby.”
Your partner: “Not quite. I just think you don’t get to call it a ‘reveal’ after the first one. And they were acting surprised every time.”
You: “Ah, so it was performative and that was annoying?”
Your partner: “Yes, and they were all really elaborate.”
You: “Do you think it was a waste of money?”
Your partner: “Yeah! So maybe that’s why it annoyed me, too.”
Get curious. Dig deeper. Confirm your perceptions with your partner.
Defensiveness is just a knee-jerk reaction rooted in the need to protect the idea of yourself as a “good person” with the right intentions. And it’s good to assume positive intent, especially when you’re interacting with your partner.
So it’s important to practice taking a step back and making sure you understand the situation before jumping to your own defense.
Lets use this example:
“Did you remember to get toilet paper at the store?”
So before you counterattack, respond with righteous indignation, or default to innocent victimhood, try taking a step back to assess.
I feel defensive because I did not remember to get toilet paper. Am I being criticized or am I perceiving this as an attack?
My partner isn’t criticizing me but I perceived an attack because I’m sensitive to the implication that I am lazy/forgetful/careless. Can I overlook that to keep this conversation on track?
If you can’t overlook it, that’s fine, too. You could say, “I’m feeling defensive. I feel like you’re implying that I’m careless.” Then they can help clarify and together, you can get the dialogue back on track and the toilet paper back in stock.
Be patient with yourself as you practice. You may catch yourself reacting defensively often, but it’s catching yourself doing it that matters. If you note it soon enough, you could even ask your partner for a do-over.
“Did you remember to get toilet paper at the store?”
“Who are you, my mother?! …Actually, can I try again?”
“Sure.”
“I forgot. I can get some tomorrow if we’re not down to our last square.”
Beware and be aware of your Defensiveness. Usually, it takes one of three forms: counterattack, righteous indignation, or innocent victimhood.
“Did you remember to get toilet paper at the store?”
Counterattack: An escalation of conflict through scorekeeping.
“No, but you didn’t remember to take the garbage out last night so I guess we’re even.”
Righteous indignation: Impulsive, offended response to a perceived attack.
“I don’t see why I always have to be the one getting toilet paper. You use the bathroom just as much as I do.”
Innocent victimhood: Often disguised as whining, a rush to shame oneself and make the other person feel bad for the perceived attack.
“I have so much going on right now and going to the store is so stressful, especially the toilet paper aisle! How can you expect me to remember?”
Of course, it’s much more difficult to respond non-defensively to criticism and there’s a difference between reacting defensively to a perceived attack and protecting your own boundaries.
The key to catching your own defensiveness is to pay attention to when you are potentially misinterpreting a statement or question as an attack.
Though the knee-jerk defensive response may be the same, there’s a world of difference between “Did you remember to get toilet paper at the store?” and “You forgot to get toilet paper at the store again, didn’t you? You’re so irresponsible.”
Conflict is uncomfortable and many avoid it at all costs. Yet however it manifests, conflict in relationships is inevitable. All couples have problems, disagreements, and friction—that’s the result of putting two different people together. It’s how couples manage their conflict that makes the difference.
Every disagreement has the power to transform the relationship. If you can view it as a shared experience that you made it through together, and emerged from stronger, you can use conflict as an opportunity to grow.
Flint needs friction to start a fire. Sharing your opposing viewpoints and being vulnerable enough to say, “this matters to me,” is an act of intimacy.
Emerge from conflicts closer to each other—forged in fire.
Some of the most-loved movies tell epic tales of the battle between good and evil, in which a relatable hero (“the good guy”) fights against a despicable villain (“the bad guy”).
Often it serves the story best if these characters lack nuance. We can’t always dig into the fear or trauma history that might be driving the villain’s decision-making, for example. It wouldn’t serve the central narrative of the Star Wars franchise to include any scenes of Emperor Palpatine in individual therapy.
But when you cast yourself and your partner in the roles of hero and villain, you rob yourself and your relationship’s story of much-needed nuance and clarity. As uncomfortable as it may be, embracing ambiguity may be the way forward.
If you find yourself casting your partner as the villain, it may be due to Negative Sentiment Override (NSO). NSO prevents you from giving someone the benefit of the doubt, and even causes you to perceive otherwise objective or uncharged actions as negative.
Let’s say your partner doesn’t respond to your text with their usual promptness. What story do you create around that (“They’re ignoring me on purpose,” “They’re mad at me. I did something wrong,” or, “Their phone must be off,”)? Do you make assumptions and go with them or do you check in about that story?
When you view your partner, or anyone you love, from a binary perspective, it forces them to tip into the role of “all good” or “all bad,” when in reality, nobody is just one thing.
Gridlocked conflict does not simply occur spontaneously. There are five phases a conflict conversation generally passes through on the way. According to John Gottman, those stages are:
1. Your dreams stand in opposition
2. Entrenchment of your opposing positions
3. Increased fears of accepting influence from your partner
4. Vilification (Four Horsemen)
5. Emotional disengagement from each other
All couples will face some forms of perpetual conflict. But those recurring issues do not need to become gridlocked. What you need to create movement or even a little wiggle room, is the willingness to explore the other person’s side of the conflict and what dreams are beneath their position.
For example, let’s say the conflict is about letting the dog sleep in the bed. One partner wants the dog in the bed and the other does not.
“I want the dog to sleep in the bed.”
What it might be about: comfort, security, nurturing, protection, a feeling of family, care.
What it’s not actually about: where the dog sleeps.
“I don’t want the dog to sleep in the bed.”
What it might be about: cleanliness, order, boundaries, respect, comfort, intimacy.
What it’s not actually about: dog hair in the sheets.
You’ve probably heard the old adage, “Nice or neutral, never nasty,” as advice for how to treat other people. But the reality is that even “neutral” can be invalidating and erode trust.
When responding to a bid, for example, you can turn towards, turn away, or turn against. We advise couples to turn towards as often as possible, rather than away or against. Neutrality, in response to a loved one expressing pain, is a form of turning away and can be even more devastating to the relationship than turning against.
Turning against is at the very least being clear and offering an opportunity for continued engagement and repair. Turning away is silence.
Neutrality in the face of conflict sends the message that your comfort or being right/”polite” is more important than an acknowledgment of the feelings being expressed. And that is a betrayal.
Why not say, “I am on your side”? What do you stand to lose if you stand with your partner? Brené Brown’s Engaged Feedback checklist suggests, “I know I’m ready to give feedback when…I’m ready to sit next to you rather than across from you.” Can you relinquish a “neutral” stance in order to really engage?
More…
Coming soon!